I usually don’t post right when I’m going through a bad experience because if it’s really a bad experience it means my focus is elsewhere. I’m sure there will be many of who won’t share my definition of what’s going on today as a crisis. That’s because you don’t have a video of my life the past ten months. I’m writing today, not for your sympathy and not to make any big point. I’m writing today because I’m scared and this is the most constructive thing I can do at the moment.
I think I told you that last month my hubby and I were in an emergency room all night. Thought it might be his heart. It wasn’t.
(I don’t know if I told you that in these same last ten months, between my husband and my mother, it’s been four emergency room visits.)
But now my hubby has had another really bad night. We’re assuming it’s the GERD (acid reflux) again. I must have been sleeping very soundly because I didn’t hear him get up and move to another bedroom. And he didn’t wake me up to tell me how bad he was feeling. So now there’s a little anger as well.
When I got up this morning and he wasn’t beside me, I just assumed he hadn’t been sleeping well and had moved to a cooler bedroom. When it got to be 7:30, I knew something was up. When it got to be 8:30, I knew I’d better check on him. Can I just say here, I was scared to do that. I think you know why. He was o.k., sleeping.
So today I’m fighting one of my enemies-fear. Fear of the future. Fear of the future without him. I’m also fighting anger-serious anger, a needing to” throw something and break it” kind of anger, a “you’d better not cross me today” kind of anger. Anger for my husband not at him. This is the kindest, gentlest, most giving person I’ve ever known. He doesn’t deserve this. There are several medical conditions he deals with. He exercises. He maintains his weight. He doesn’t drink, smoke or engage in any bad health habits. I, on the other hand, enjoy stellar health and I don’t deserve that either.
Why does it seem that the truly good do suffer the most? Why can’t it be the man I know who smokes heavily, gambles, ignores his family, is lazy, etc???????? Why can’t it be in this world that good begets good. That the evil suffer.
But it isn’t.
I feel so alone and lost. I don’t know what to do. Surely there’s something I can do. I hate this. I hate being afraid. I hate sitting here on this quiet rainy morning without him, even though I know he’s upstairs. I hate not enjoying my first cup of coffee with him. I especially hate feeling so out-of-control. There has to be something I can do.
I struggle to gain my spiritual foothold.The last thing I want to hear is a bunch of spiritual platitudes. Besides, I’m well versed in my Bible. I know what scripture teaches about trust and faith and fear, etc. But I also what the Bibles teaches about turning to God, that I don’t have to mince my words or my feelings. I can tell God I’m scared. I can tell him I’m feeling lost and alone. I can scream that age-old-and-never-answered question. WHY?
But fear can be a great motivator to turn us to God.
I’m not editing my words today. If things are jumbled, so be it. This is me writing to maintain my equilibrium. This is me letting it all hang out there. It’s been a tough year.The year before this was even tougher. I’m having to battle through the tears to write that one.
Anyway, I’m through. God and I need to communicate. I hope your day is good. I really mean that.