What do you do when God puts something you’ve been able to avoid for a while right in your face? That’s what happened to me today. It felt:
It was at church of all places. And during communion. A time when I should be feeling calm and peaceful and untroubled. But I wasn’t. My insides were in turmoil.
You see this has gone for a while. I’ve been able to avoid having it so “in my face” but today God had other plans. I really searched my heart. Surely, things like this get resolved during communion, right?
Even though God and I were communicating fast and furious, nothing changed. I still felt the ambiguity I’ve felt right along. I’m not afraid of discussing it but I sense that God has kept me from that for my own protection. I think it’s because there wouldn’t be the level of honesty there needed to be. And how do you address a situation when the other party would probably not admit there was a situation to begin with?
So here I am with the same ambiguity tonight that I felt this morning. And I hate ambiguity. I like to have things resolved.
My mood has been really good for quite a while but my mood definitely dropped as the day went on. I knew where it came from and felt reassured that avoiding the situation (seeing as I can’t do anything about it and it causes me to hurt every time) has been the best course.
I’ve certainly questioned why God is not opening up an opportunity to discuss it. I wonder if He really knows how much it hurts. I wonder if I’m praying right about it. I wonder if it’s all me except there are others who feel the same way.
So here I am wondering how long I will be held in limbo. If you’re struggling today with a difficult situation that keeps you unsettled and confused, my prayer for you is that your faith will be strengthened through this and you will emerge stronger than ever before.