LIFE

Why I hope you won’t judge me for being scared

I don’t always post things as they are happening. Most of the time I like to reflect and think things through first because I don’t want to say something that might cause someone to lose faith.

And I don’t want to be judged.

fear of judgement

 

As you know we are in Florida.  We head home tomorrow.

What I haven’t told you is that my husband has scared me a number of times. There has been more than one 911 call over the years. There has been more than one time, I’ve been really, really scared.

What is the worst, of course, is when you’re a long way from home and your spouse gets sick, especially when there’s that 911 history haunting you.

Last night, suddenly, my husband got sick, nausea, many trips to the “john”. Can I just say, why do these things always happen at night?

When he gets sick, both of us panic a little because some of his current health conditions mimic a heart attack like  his costochondritis and his acid reflux.

So my first thought is, of course, is “Is this a heart attack”. Do I call 911 again or not? Do I wait and see, and if I do will I regret that decision?

And, of course, that thought that many spouses fee, I couldn’t live without them. I wouldn’t want to and:

I get so scared.

fear

There, I’ve said it.

I get  scared.

As a Christian woman who loves her God, who prays and studies her Bible regularly, I get scared. I don’t share it often.

And the reason I don’t share it is because I don’t want someone judging me or thinking I don’t believe myself what I write about.

But then I think about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and I remember how scared He was.  How he prayed that the cup would be removed. And then I relax a little.

We should never be afraid to express our doubts but we should choose our audience carefully. I am hoping I have chosen my audience carefully here.

The truth is unless we’ve experienced some of these same things, we can never understand why some people naturally feel fear and anxiety more than others.

As I lay in bed, I thought, “I can’t do this again. How can I pack everything myself and load the car? (Because of my back issues.) How can I drive us home? (Again, the back issues.)

But then I remembered I’ve done this before and it was right here in Florida. It was about eight years ago. My husband was in the hospital for about five days. I was all alone. I somehow managed to move to another hotel room and not lose any belongings. I drove us home. I did what I had to do and God was with me every step of the way and:

I was scared the whole time. Yet, at the same time, I was talking to God every minute through the fear and tears.

Faith doesn’t have to look brave. It doesn’t have to look like another person’s faith. In fact, there is no evidence anywhere in Scripture that says what faith looks like on any one person.

What Scripture does say is that faith is confidence and assurance that what God says he will do, he will. I read through the famous “faith” chapter, Hebrew 11, and couldn’t find any evidence that these heroes of faith accomplished what they did with no fear.

Psalm 56:3 states, “When I am afraid, I will trust in Him”.

Dear Heavenly Father,

You know fear is my nemesis. Fear is the weakest part of my faith. My mind always goes to “what if” instead of  trusting you. When I fear, I feel captive to the enemy. So i admit who I am and ask you to give me courage and help me remember all our faithfulness from the past. Help me to take the best care of my husband that I can. Once again you have come to my rescue and I am so grateful that you don’t judge me for my fear. 

If and when fear strikes, our first response is to turn to God, we are handling fear the right way. When we put one foot in front of another and continue to do the right thing, even when we’re scared, we are handling fear the right way.

But what about “perfect love casts out all fear”?

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I John 4:16-18

This verse is referring to the fact that as Christians we need not fear God and his judgement because God is love and we are being made perfect through him.

I’ve often stated that if I didn’t allow myself to feel fear, I might not cling to God as I should. When we deny who we are and our normal and not to be condemned human feelings, we miss the opportunity that comes when we find ourselves desperate.

This post today was supposed to be about pecan log roll. No, really, it was. It’s funny and entertaining but that will wait now till next week.

God bless and I hope you have a good day.

 

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