I had hoped to write something different today. But my mom and her declining health take up all the creative space in my mind.
I am reeling hard from news received on Saturday. I asked the Hospice nurse how long she thought my mom had left. I did this not because I necessarily wanted to know but because there are grandchildren that live away and needed to have a heads up so they could visit.
“About two weeks”.
I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t think I’ve started breathing again.
Here’s what’s going on. She has aspiration-type pneumonia. After giving her antibiotics intravenously for three days and it not working, they said there was nothing they could do, so we brought her home.
Today I will approach her about the true nature of her illness. I think she knows anyway. How I wish I would’ve never had to have this conversation, that she would’ve slipped away peacefully in the night, angels carrying her on their wings. But it’s important.
There may be things she needs “settled”, things she needs to be reassured of.
For me there is nothing.
Only that she knows how much I love her and I’ve been saying that for awhile.
Right at this minute, I’m trying to decide, do I take a pill to dry up the tears a little or not? I think I”ve decided. Not.
I don’t want to feel this pain but I know that feeling the pain now will only help me heal later. Feeling emotional pain is part of who we are. I wouldn’t deny myself laughter; why would I deny tears?
Wouldn’t you know it, it snowed last night and it’s dark and dismal. But the covering of snow reminds me that God’s loves covers everything. If I told you in detail all the decisions that have been made these last few month regarding my mom and how each decision turned out to be the right one, you would have to catch your breath. That’s how faithful God has been.
This is so hard. but I’m so grateful I’ve had my mom for as long as I have.
I’m trying to post throughout this experience, for me so I have a record and for you, so you can see how God equips during the worst of circumstances.
God bless each of you.