LIFE

My trip south to “escape”.

A Trip South to Escape

How did your week go?

I have been out-of-town.

 

Mississippi River

In Arkansas to be exact. It’s where my parents and my brother and I were born. My cousins live in Arkansas and Tennessee.

My parents took us south every summer and my heart would break when we left. I loved my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, and my cousins and hated to say goodbye. Two weeks were never enough.

My husband and I left for our trip five days after my mother died. I needed to get some distance. Plus, my mom loved Arkansas. I wanted to travel down the gravel roads and think of my mom living there as a young girl. I went to the cemetery to visit my Grandparents’ gravesites as well as the others who’ve passed on.

I thought about how life was back then and the experiences my mom might have had. I thought about the beautiful young woman she became. I knew she would be glad I had gone back to the place she loved the most.

mom

It was hard and yet it was comforting to travel some of the same roads and to see my grandparent’s house now. It’s a shack. Come to think of it, it was then, too.  My grandparents were basically sharecroppers. They never owned a car, a house, or had life insurance. I don’t think they ever had air-conditioning either, which if you’ve ever been to Arkansas in the summer, you’d wonder how they survived.

Rowe housei

But Reality Set In

I knew when I came home reality would set in.

It did.

I still don’t believe she’s gone. My life and all my decisions have centered around her for years and now there is this huge void. I don’t know what to do. I”ve stayed busy but somehow that seems “cold” of me. I find myself falling apart throughout the day but then I pull myself together and get moving again.

I have the time now to do what I want when I want and yet, I don’t want. 

Does that make sense?

But I have plans for the rest of the week. There’s gardening to do. We are having trees removed and some deck renovation is underway. When I was south my cousin and I went to “carport” sales, that’s the southern version of “garage sales”. I found some interesting pieces that I have plans to paint, etc.

Here’s an original watercolor picture I found at a thrift shop in Paragould, Arkansas for three dollars. I can’t wait to get reframed. Whoever this Ranulph Bye is, he is very, very good.

watercolor from AR

 

Grieving is hard work. But it’s part of life. I will miss my mom acutely for quite a long time. But I’m so glad I loved her enough to miss her this much.

God bless and I hope you have a good day.

4 replies »

  1. Thank you, Jeanette. As usual, I find your comments helpful. Today I had to go to her home to start to clean it out. I decided to weed her garden. It was hard but I felt so close to her because she loved gardening.

    I knew I was putting off the grieving but I also knew I had to travel those gravel roads. She would have been so glad to know I saw everyone she so loved. It was bittersweet and yes, it’s been a journey to myself.

    Years ago I started writing a book about depression. I have decided to go ahead and self-publish it as an e-book to make it financially reasonable to all who need it. My numbers skyrocket when I write about depression. If you’ve never read my bio then you may not know about the battle I USED to have with this illness.

    I am starting o understand why I couldn’t finish the book before this. It’s complicated but I am sensing the time is right now, not only because of the free time, but because I have been validated through this experience that God is able to————————–

    Thanks again.

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  2. Be gentle with yourself, and feel the feelings as they come. You are on a journey of discovery and love. Grief is overwhelming and a process…no right or wrong. She will always live in your heart. May God continue to bless you:-)
    Bernadette

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