It’s been two days and I’m still crying

Boy, I can’t believe the tears. I can’t believe one little kitten’s death could so devastate me. I feel somewhat ashamed. I am certainly surprised by the depth of feeling. We only had him six months.

But the house is so quiet. I can remember feeling this way when we became empty nesters all in what felt like a moment. We would visit our kids at school and cry all the way home. Even though it’s been years, I still get choked up when I leave them.

I’ve decided I really, really hate loss and sadness. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just cry for a day and it would all be over because our memories would be wiped clean? There would be no memories so there would be no pain.

And yet, memories are what keep us going even in the pain. Memories are what grow us into better people. Without memories, our loved ones might just as well have not existed.

And there are some of us who simply feel more pain. Period.

I ask myself, “Did we love him too much?” “Should we have held back a little?”

And are there some of us who simply feel more pain?

I’m finding out I’m one of those and I don’t like it very much. I give my heart wholeheartedly and I often wished I didn’t. I wish I were one of those stronger people who just handle the ups and downs of life better. But I’m not and I don’t.

I’m trying hard today to accept this quivering mass of emotions that is me.

I think of my dear friend who has lost her husband and her two sisters in the last ten years and I wonder how she did it. I think of another friend who lost her husband and her mother (both totally unexpected) in a twenty-four hour period. How did she ever do it?

I think of those parents who’ve lost children especially to violence and my heart breaks.

I criticize myself for feeling this kitten’s loss so deeply, What’s wrong with me, I ask?

Oh, I know I’ll survive this. What choice do I have? I’ve always felt that pain gives impetus to change if we allow it. And that means we have to feel it.

God bless and I hope you have a good day.


8 replies »

  1. Oh my, don’t feel ashamed. I feel bad for throwing another poem on you, but I think this kind of sums up what I’m trying to say:

    “Sadness is great but love is greater.
    Pain from loss is a side effect of love;
    Memories hurt now but will be treasured later
    Recollections will last until meeting above.”

    From “When You Love” ) The grief you feel now shows just how much you loved, and you loved a lot. 🙂 There were several feral cats around here that had liters of kittens many years ago and there were quite a few that didn’t make it past kittenhood. It tore my heart to pieces.

    I believe that Rambo will be waiting for you. After I lost one of my cats in 2012, my vet’s office sent me this in the mail; I hope it also brings comfort to you.

    The Rainbow Bridge

    There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth. It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of its many colors. Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge there is a land of meadows, hills, and valleys with lush green grass.

    When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place. There is always food and water and warm spring weather. The old and frail animals are young again. They play all day with each other in the meadows.

    There is only one thing missing. They are not with their special person who loved them so dearly on Earth. So, each day, they run and play until the day comes when one of them suddenly stops playing and looks up! The nose twitches, the ears are up, the eyes are staring intently, and this one runs from the group.

    You have been seen, and when you and your special friend meet, you take him or her in your arms and embrace like never before! Your face is kissed again and again and again and you look once more into the eyes of your trusting pet. Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never to be separated again.

  2. PLEASE don’t be hard on yourself! There are so many reasons why a precious pet is so beloved. The Lord designed our hearts to bond with His creation. Think of the dear lamb mentioned in II Samuel 12, the lamb sat at her owners table, “…shared his good, drank from his cup…slept in his arms”. King David didn’t say “that’crazy”, he expressed outrage in the scenario of the lamb’s demise.
    Believe me, animals feel real grief too. Not just in the wild when vicious poachers kill but here at home. I mentioned yesterday that my beloved Maggie died Saturday. Well, her grown kitten Becky is still looking for her, crying. 😹
    Thank you so much for sharing,. It is painful and it is a real loss…I pray that the Lord speak thru it into our heart.

  3. Hi. I feel your pain. I have gone through it. I would like to share a little story. For my daughters first birthday, I got her a kitten, These two were very close, When Sacha needed to be fixed, (I had never had to fix a kitten before). It was a free service through the humane society). So My daughter’s mentor and My daughter went to drop Sacha off at the animal hospital. My daughter was at school when I got the call, that Sacha didn’t make it. My daughter’s mentor came over and we went and picked up my daughter from school and we told her that Sacha didn’t make it. My heart was broken as my daughter cried silently and said its not true. We had to pick up Sacha from the animal hospital so we could give her a proper burial. My daughter wanted to stay with us as we lifted off the top of the pet carrier. My daughter cried as she sat on the floor and held her hands out. Sacha was covered up with her blankets. We placed Sacha in her arms and she lifted off the top part to see her face, again she cried and then gave her a kiss. We were all teary eyed. I was also very angry with the animal hospital. Soon my daughter gave her another kiss and asked if she will go to heaven. I said yes. She told Sacha, I will see you there one day. Then let us take her to bury her. For a couple of years after, she would pick dandlions and put them on Sacha’s gravesite. I know this is probably not helping. But My prayers are with you.

    • Thank you for sharing such a bittersweet story and, yes, it does help.
      We, too, had had Rambo neutered at a clinic. A day later he became very ill and we do think it was the clinic, because from then on he didn’t seem as healthy. We would ONLY take a pet to a regular vet if we ever have another one.
      I think the hardest part is we never dreamed we would get attached to a pet like this. People may scoff but both of us believe God put him in our woods that day.
      If we believe God can do more than we can even imagine, why wouldn’t we believe that?
      Thank you so much for commenting. Everyone’s comments are appreciated. God bless and keep praying.

  4. I don’t think you should feel ashamed… It’s hard to lose a kitten. I feel your pain.