Boy, I can’t believe the tears. I can’t believe one little kitten’s death could so devastate me. I feel somewhat ashamed. I am certainly surprised by the depth of feeling. We only had him six months.
But the house is so quiet. I can remember feeling this way when we became empty nesters all in what felt like a moment. We would visit our kids at school and cry all the way home. Even though it’s been years, I still get choked up when I leave them.
I’ve decided I really, really hate loss and sadness. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just cry for a day and it would all be over because our memories would be wiped clean? There would be no memories so there would be no pain.
And yet, memories are what keep us going even in the pain. Memories are what grow us into better people. Without memories, our loved ones might just as well have not existed.
And there are some of us who simply feel more pain. Period.
I ask myself, “Did we love him too much?” “Should we have held back a little?”
And are there some of us who simply feel more pain?
I’m finding out I’m one of those and I don’t like it very much. I give my heart wholeheartedly and I often wished I didn’t. I wish I were one of those stronger people who just handle the ups and downs of life better. But I’m not and I don’t.
I’m trying hard today to accept this quivering mass of emotions that is me.
I think of my dear friend who has lost her husband and her two sisters in the last ten years and I wonder how she did it. I think of another friend who lost her husband and her mother (both totally unexpected) in a twenty-four hour period. How did she ever do it?
I think of those parents who’ve lost children especially to violence and my heart breaks.
I criticize myself for feeling this kitten’s loss so deeply, What’s wrong with me, I ask?
Oh, I know I’ll survive this. What choice do I have? I’ve always felt that pain gives impetus to change if we allow it. And that means we have to feel it.
God bless and I hope you have a good day.