I was off the blogging grid yesterday. The last twenty-four hours have found me in crisis mode.
My mom fell again. And we are now making plans for her I prayed I would never have to make.
When I say “pray”, I do mean “pray”. I’ve prayed so hard my mom would never have to leave her home; I’ve worked so hard to keep her safe but we couldn’t convince her she needed to use her walker. This time, she broke three fingers, (she broke her wrist three months ago), hit her head, has a black eye, and has some bruised ribs.
I had already started the process earlier but today we finished it all up. I think she will be going there tomorrow. I’ve cried a lot today. I will be crying harder tomorrow. I can’t even imagine how I can do this.
Thank goodness, I don’t have to, imagine it I mean. All I really have to do is “show up” and let God take control.
This is a post about “grace”. The grace of God that is always sufficient (meaning enough). And you see, God’s grace doesn’t mean we don’t cry, that we’re not sad, that we’re a “tower of strength”. It means none of that. So what does it mean?
Let’s look at this verse and those surrounding it:
8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord (Paul’s thorn in the flesh. We don’t know what it was. ) to take it away from me. 9 But he (God, probably through prayer or insight) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9-13
It isn’t about us. The grace that is sufficient is the power of God that is being perfected through the grace that flows through us. Now we can tap into that grace or not. We don’t have to take this grace. Like many of God’s gifts, we can refuse them. And sometimes we refuse them unknowingly. We do that by not trusting God to get us through whatever we are facing.
I have felt God’s grace settling on me even prior to this event. I can look back a few days and realize I’ve had this increasingly sense of peace and a kind of “knowing” that this day was coming soon.
I can’t explain it.
I only know it.
When she fell, I didn’t rush to her home. My brother and friend were there and are quite capable and she was conscious and in no severe pain and an ambulance was on its way. I knew my time would be better spent getting all the things in motion I had already explored earlier. I had total peace about my decision. Plus, I had to connect with God and think through things. I left within twenty minutes.
We were in the emergency room for seven hours. Finally, they found a reason to admit her.
This morning the administrator from the Assisted Living Facility came up and we completed the paperwork which is when I lost it. It was so hard to even think about her not going back to her home.
I’ve been thinking these last twenty-four hours how yesterday was the last time I was going to see her in her home.
And my heart is breaking, sadness crowding out everything else.
Even as I write, the tears well up and I have to remind myself that God’s grace will be in full force tomorrow through my tears. That my tears have nothing to do with lack of faith. If that were the case, how would we explain Jesus’s tears over the death of his friend Lazarus, or his tears in the Garden of Gethsemane? We couldn’t.
So like Paul, I will boast of my weakness, of my tears. When I am weak, in the sense of admitting to my fears, God can become stronger.
Think of me tomorrow. We’re not totally sure that will be the day but it’s pretty certain. And if not tomorrow, then Friday. The point is she’s not going home.
No more holiday celebrations in her home. No more sitting on the deck in warm weather drinking iced tea. No more sitting on the couch while she sits in her favorite chair and while we talk about things. No more just me and her in her home.
But she still knows me. I don’t think that will change. I think much of her memory loss and confusion are due to the bumps on her head. But the cause doesn’t matter, anyway, does it? The condition is still the same.
So there will have to be new memories made. Somehow. Thank goodness I know countless others have been where I am now, hearts breaking. There’s something to be said for that. They lived through it; I will, too. What choice do we have when we encounter life’s really hard times? We either stop living or we move on.
I choose to move on.
God bless and I hope you have a good day