Why am I so tired? Why do I feel so deflated?
Oh, yea, now I remember.
The fatigue I am feeling after the loss of my mom is overwhelming. It’s been one week.
My brother and I have lived on such high alert these past months, that to have that pressure gone, to longer be so hyper vigilant seems like a void. It’s like our balloon was full all the time and now the air has been let out.
We went from having to constantly remind her she needed her hearing aids, to finding her hearing aids as she was constantly losing them. She was very stubborn, no, very, very, stubborn and strong-willed. There were days I had to actually leave her house because I was shouting so much to get her to hear me. After about thirty minutes, it comes across like you’re mad, even if you’re not. So there’s that.
Then there were the battles over the walker. Try and make someone do something they don’t want to do. That’s very stressful. So for months, we were holding our breath and worrying as we watched her stumble and sway. And, of course, she did fall.
Then there were the GI bleeds and the hospitalizations.
There were the battles over her eating. Prior to all this, we went through a time when she wasn’t eating at all. We tried everything. Buying her everything we thought she would like. I cooked her favorite foods. Eventually, we got past that.
Then there was trying to get her used to the home care we brought in to help her. She couldn’t’ be left alone at all for the last months as there was too great a danger of falling. It was like pulling teeth to having her accept the home care we were insisting on. Finally, the women became “friends” to her. And eventually, they were there almost twenty-four hours a day.
Then there was her memory. Most of the time, it was gone. So she couldn’t remember falling-ever. When we showed her the broken arm with a cast, she still didn’t believe us. When she broke her fingers a few weeks after breaking her wrist, she couldn’t remember even falling the first time. She thought we were lying to her. So there was that.
It was hard. We both felt great stress all the time trying to do our best for her.
We were a team and we were determined to keep her in her home. But it took a toll on us.
And here’s the important part. We would both do it all over again. It’s amazing the strength God gives when we have none left. Right up until the end.
No matter what you’re struggling with, God will open a path to get through it.
1 Corinthians 10:13New International Version (NIV)1
3 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
But here’s the thing. God requires our cooperation.
For every struggle we had with my mom, I was actively pursuing options. I took books out of the library. I searched the web. I called her doctor time and again to try something new. I talked to other people. I reached out in as many ways as I could think of. I can’t think of a single idea I came up with that wasn’t the result of hard work on my part along with a lot of prayer and direction from God.
Something would pop into my head and I would know God was leading and so I would buckle down and do whatever I had to do.
BUT FIRST, THE QUESTION
Jesus once asked a blind mind sitting by a pool, “What do you want me to do?”
“I want to be healed”. (paraphrased)
Jesus healed him but the blind man (Bartimaeus) had to ask. I often imagined I was being asked that question.
“What do you want”.
“I want ………………………..”
For every step of my mom’s journey, I asked God, not for healing, but for direction and wisdom.
And every step of the way, he answered.
God bless and have a good day.