Tag: fear

scared about the future

Do you ever get scared about the future?

Do you ever get scared about the future?

All the “what ifs”?

What if “this” happens?

What if “that” happens?

I have to be honest. Even though I’ve been a Christian most of my adult life, if I allow my mind to project into the future far enough, I get scared, really scared.

I fear losing the people I love. Not necessarily through death but in any way that takes people away from me. I wonder how I would survive.

Would I survive?

And yet I have. While my mom’s death continues to make me sad, while it has brought to light some areas I need to focus on, I have survived.

And when I feel that way, I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m looking into the future and not accounting for the fact that God is already there. When the time comes,

He will provide.

He will equip.

He will sustain.

It’s what I wrote about last week when I said that sometimes we live so much in the present we forget that the future we worried about yesterday, is here today. And God has been there right along, in the past, the present, and will be in the future.

Said another way, “Today is the future I worried about yesterday.”

I have such great admiration for people who step out and move in faith without having a clue what the future holds.

Anyway, if you are fearful about tomorrow, I’m not going to tell you not to be. We probably all have reasons to be afraid of something. Don’t berate yourself for your fears. Talk them over with God in total honesty and let God direct you.

Much more about talking to God honestly tomorrow.

For now, God bless and I hope you have a good day.

 

 

 

 

depression

The worst fear for a recovering depressive.

You know what it is.

Think about it for a minute.

If you are recovering from depression, your worst fear is that you will fail. If you have been depression-free for a while, your worst fear is that you will fall into that pit again.

Let’s be clear.

If you’ve never been seriously depressed, you have no idea of the overwhelming fear that can strike.

Death is easier to contemplate.  If ever there were an illness that felt as near-death as depression, I don’t know what it is.

If you’ve never been there, I hope you never are.

I am s currently supporting a few people  who are either in the recovery stage or the “I’m scared to death stage.” Both are wonderful people. Their ages are far apart. Their lives are totally different. Which, of course, proves that depression is no respecter of persons; it can and does strike anyone.

They are believers in Christ, all of them, although they are in different phases of their “growth in Christ”.

Then there’s me. I, too, have had some “rumblings” of depression. This would be quite natural as I’m also grieving the miss of my mother. My birthday is coming soon. This will be the first one absent my mom’s presence. Somehow, the first birthday without your mom seems one of the most painful experiences. I’ll be glad when it’s over.

I, too, have had some “rumblings” of depression. This would be quite natural as I’m also grieving the loss of my mother. My birthday is coming soon. This will be the first one absent my mom’s presence. Somehow, the first birthday without your mom seems one of the most painful experiences. I’ll be glad when it’s over.

The first birthday after her death was hard but I’m self-centered enough to think my first birthday without her will be worse. It’s always harder when you’re the one left behind.

  • My mom’s death.
  • Then there’s the horrible situation in Texas. I feel so helpless.
  • The hours of sunlight are shrinking fast.
  • Our present unrest in America.
  • Possibility of a third world war.

No wonder I’m struggling.

Put all this together and sinking into depression is a real fear for me. But as I write, I reminded of something I heard the pastor of the little church we attend when we’re at the cabin. We were purposefully walking in late. (I’ll you about that tomorrow. You’ll laugh.) He was at the end of his prayer. I heard him say, “Thank you, Father, for equipping us for whatever comes our way.”

My ears perked up. That’s right.  So often I forget that while God was present in my past,  while He ispresent for the present”, He is also the God of the future, “The Great Equipper” of whatever comes my way.

I live so much in the present that at times I forget my present was once my future that I worried about yesterday. And God has remained ever-present throughout it all.

Depression is terrible. It consumes every part of us. Parts we would never expect. Aches and pains. stomach and colon issues. Headaches. Insomnia. Hypersomnia. Nausea. Sounds like a commercial for the side effects of a prescription drug.

But for the Christian, God is ever-present. Not condemning us. Just holding on to us till our feet on a solid place again.

God bless and have a good day.

 

cabin bedroom

Some really exciting news about “teeny tiny red cabin”

(So it’s been a busy week. This was supposed to have posted Wed. Anyway, here it is.)

Yea. Picture me jumping up and down.

I have some exciting news.  Teeny tiny red cabin (it the cabin’s name, like “Barbara Sue”)  is having a baby. An addition.

I’m having some anxiety about all this with some fear thrown in, too. I’ve never done this before. When we had the bunk house built, there were models to pick from. All I did was point and say, “I want that one.” Then the Amish came and built it. “Ba da boom, ba da bing.” I watched and it was done in a day. The watching and paying for it was the only thing I did. This is a whole new ball game.

Teeny tiny red cabin will still be small, under eight hundred square feet, but now she’ll have her own bedroom. This has been in the works for the past couple of years but finally, we’ve found a contractor who seems to be trustworthy and communicative. It will free up space we are using now for the bed.  The futon will go here.

cabin bedroom

Designing a space from the ground up isn’t easy. I’m a total visual learner and until the walls are up, I won’t be able to “see” what I want as far as door and window placement.

The bedroom will be the biggest I have. Our main residence is an old farmhouse with small bedrooms. This one will be the size of our bunk house, twelve by sixteen.

I did some research on interior design and these dimensions almost reflect what is called, the “golden rectangle.” To be totally a golden rectangle, it would have to be eighteen feet long but I couldn’t afford the extra two feet. Besides, if you know anything about drywall (sheet rock) panels, you know they come in eight or sixteen-foot lengths. We had originally planned on the length being fourteen feet but then I realized I would be throwing away some drywall. (Do the math.) I’d often read that it’s almost as inexpensive to go a little bigger so we did. But to add in the other two feet meant, of course, that would be throwing away at least six feet of drywall.

A perfect rectangle would’ve been twelve by eighteen. So I’m almost there.  But seeing as no one I know is even aware of this golden rectangle rule, I’m good.

I am nervous about this. I’ve never been involved with an addition. I’m going to be on pins and needles for a couple of months. I’ve already driven the contractor a little nuts. But that’s OK. That’s what he’s getting paid for.

I will keep you updated with pictures when construction starts which should be next week. I will even ask your advice from time to time. The room will be white and will have vaulted ceilings. I wanted shiplap but that’s more money, of course, and I decided more floor space was more important.

Here are some pictures that inspired me. Tomorrow I’ll tell you where the bed will be and why. It’s very feng shui.

The bed will be on the peaked wall like this picture but without the window. Hey, maybe just one wall in shiplap?

bedroom for cabin

Am having a few beams at the ceiling for dimension. Don’t know if I’m going to install any overhead lighting or a fan because, think about it, how do you clean them?

white bedroom

 

This flooring is wonderful. And guess what, it’s vinyl sheeting. My friend has it in her sunroom and it’s wonderful. This is a three-season cabin so any other type of flooring won’t work. But that’s ok because I love, love, love this. Gosh, I’m getting really excited just talking about it.

bedroom floor

For once in our lives, hubby and I have decided we want the room to be “turn-key” ready. For those of you who don’t know what this means, it means we’re not doing anything. Except it really won’t be “turn-key” ready because we are making the barn door ourselves. We wanted to have our hands in something so this is what I chose. Besides, can you see a contractor even “getting” this? Hubby hasn’t seen this barn door idea yet and he’s probably going to freak out but I’m determined it’s going to look like this. Can’t you just imagine this?

barn door for bedroom

 

Here’s what our “bedroom” looks like now. This isn’t even a room. The area here is the size of the bed with about one extra foot on each side so we can get it. We bought the bed with the cabin and it will go into the new bedroom. It’s a log bed so it will look great on my floor, don’t you think?

cabin bedroom

 

 

Gosh, just writing about it has calmed my nerves and got me excited about it. That is going to be the hard part. Allowing myself to enjoy the process while I’m still grieving the loss of the mother. I would so have loved to tell her about this. She would have been excited for me.

You might ask why we are starting this now. This isn’t a snap decision. We have been contemplating this for a couple of years.  We both decided there’s no reason not to move ahead with the project.

I hope you’re going to enjoy the process with me.

God bless and have a good day.

Joshua 2016

Today is the first day of an exhausting week.

Today begins a week with our seven-year-old grandson. This is is third summer visit. He is quite something. Kind of an old soul in a kid’s body. He says and does the funniest things.

Last year he asked us if he could watch a certain movie, can’t even remember which one now. I asked him, ” What do you think your mom would say?”

He replied, “Well, you’re the adults in charge so it’s your decision.”  Remember, he was six at the time.

I need to let you know it backfired on him later when I told him no about something and he told me, “My mom lets me do it”. And, of course, I reminded him that I was the adult in charge. Hah!

It will be a fun-filled week of gorging on popcorn and cheese puffs. We’ll have an ice cream cone every day.  We’ll fish. We’ll hike. We’ll go to the beach. We’ll watch movies. We’ll do crafts. I have a bunch of stuff ready.

We will head up to the cabin on Wednesday where there will be mostly fishing and his favorite activity which I unwisely came up with last year and now it’s
“thing” with him.

We have a rope hammock set up between two trees. We pretend it’s a ship and we’re on the high seas. There are holes in the hammock where we put our “oars”, which are two long walking sticks that we have painted. We are chased by pirates, almost eaten by Pirhana, shipwrecked, you name it. Anything that can befall our vessel does. We have to paddle really fast to stay ahead of all the dangers.

I worried that I wouldn’t be up to this year because of my mom’s recent death. But I have decided I am going to give it my best shot. I’m telling myself it will be good for me.

cabin Joshua 2016

 

Joshua 2016

 

Joshua 2016

joshua cabin 2016

I was thinking today about life, how as one life ends somewhere another is beginning somewhere. Even though we grieve our loss, we must always remember that it’s our loss.  And our loss doesn’t mean someone else can’t be happy. I can remember when my husband had open heart surgery and it bothered me a lot that people in the waiting room were laughing and talking while I was scared to death and going through hell wondering if our life together was over.

I look back and realize I was wrong. Sadness and happiness are always happening simultaneously. That’s the nature of life. I think when we can step back and look at the big picture it helps us cope. It doesn’t take away the pain, of course, and I don’t think it should because:

Without pain there is no happiness. You can’t recover from something;  you can’t get over someone until you pass through the valley.

I wish it weren’t so but it is.

So this week I’m going to be a kid again myself. I’m going to give my grandson the best of me. His life is just beginning. I want it to be filled with as many good memories of his time with his Grandpa as we can give him.

But do think of me. When the week is over, I’m going to be exhausted!!!!!

God bless and I hope you have a calm week.

walking in the woods without a flashlight

How to walk in the woods with no light

Sometimes I feel like I’m walking through the woods without a flashlight.  Do you know what I mean? Darkness envelopes me and I can’t see where I’m going. I’m afraid I will fall. Or that the darkness will consume me entirely, like a wild animal.

the dark

We hear noises and wonder, “Should we be afraid?  Is something out there ready to pounce? If we had a flashlight maybe we could beam it at the noises and scare away whatever is hiding behind the cloak of noise. But maybe the light would shine so bright we would see the monster that is lurking.  And maybe that would be the worst thing that could happen.

What’s worse? Walking in the woods and being afraid of the unknown or being able to put a “face” on the unknown? I hate ambiguity but sometimes it’s not all bad, especially if our souls have been under attack.

Ignorance can sometimes be our best friend.

When we know too much, when the woods are no longer a just a dark blob but individual trees that we recognize, then we can no longer pretend. Now our fear has a face and it’s a scary face at that.

So how do we know when it is the time to look at things squarely?

I wrote about something similar here.

But if you don’t have time to click on that link, let me share some of it.

First, let’s look at the timing.

Only you know the condition of your soul at any one point in time. For example, I’m giving my soul a rest today meaning that I’m not tackling any big introspective subjects. There are things I need to deal with. Things I have questions about, all connected to the recent loss of my mom.

Questions like, “Did I do enough?”

“Am I grieving enough?”

But what I suggest in the post I mentioned earlier is that sometimes we just have to give our souls a rest. Years ago, I developed a little “imagery” that works for me.

I imagine a beautifully gilded box. (Why not be beautiful? It’s my imagining anyway, right?)

box

This box is placed at God’s feet. I open the box and put my concerns there, knowing I can trust God and that when the time is right, I can open the box and have a conversation with God about it. But now is not the time.

I don’t need a flashlight right now illuminating these areas. It would be too painful. Instead, I need to walk in the dark a little longer until some of the pain of her loss goes away.

The old saying: “Ignorance is bliss is sometimes true.

So if you’re feeling as though you are walking in your own dark woods today without a flashlight, just remember that sometimes it’s OK not to see everything.

God bless and I hope you have a good day.

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