Tag guilt

I wrote this post almost four years ago. Because this past week has been filled to the brim and it’s Monday morning, I decided to look back over some older posts and I came across this one. I’m glad I did.

A wonderful benefit of blogging is that you have a written history of how far you have or have not grown in some areas. This particular post has deep meaning for me considering my mother’s health is failing.

I remember this day very well. I really enjoyed it despite how I sort of resented it in the beginning.

In the next few weeks, I hope to figure out a way to group posts about my mom all in one place. I’m going to want to tell you about her generosity, her overall goodness. It will mean a lot to me.

Yesterday I told her something I’d been wanting to share with her for a few days. It was some good news. I wanted to pick a time when she was having a good day so she could understand what I was saying. Yesterday was such day. She actually smiled and said, “That’s really good, isn’t it?” It made my heart leap to see the happiness in her eyes, however brief and however long it took for her to grasp what I was telling her. 

As I wrote this, my heart crept up to my throat. It’s a good memory but I know that soon there will only be memories. Life is truly bitter and sweet at times, huh?

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God can really upset the apple cart, can’t he?

I am a Christian. I believe God directs me when I ask but that he also directs me even when I don’t ask. Today was such a day.

I was supposed to take my mom to a movie. She hasn’t been out of the house much for months. As it turned out the movie was no longer playing. It was a beautiful day and with this change of plans, I was looking forward to working in my gardens. I shouldn’t say work because it’s never work to me. But then my mother decided she wanted to go shopping if we weren’t going to the show.

I thought, “This won’t take long”. She’s usually eager to come home after only a couple of hours. Not today. We were gone most of the afternoon.

She never buys anything. Today, she bought three new pairs of pants, three new tops and a pair of shoes. I was so glad she did. It was good to see her show an interest in life and be good to herself. But for the first few minutes, all I could think of was how much I wanted to be playing in my yard. I am ashamed to admit that. Ashamed to admit I begrudged her even a moment of my time.

Why I’m telling you this, I’ll never know, except that maybe someone else is feeling a bit selfish today and misery loves company and all that.

But we needn’t beat ourselves up about our mistakes if we learn from them, right? I mean God doesn’t do that to us, so why do we? I certainly don’t mean, however, that we just casually accept our shortcomings with an “I’m only human” kind of excuse. Never. When I looked back on this day, I took my shortcomings very seriously.

I’m glad I ended up doing what was right but I’m not happy my feelings took a few minutes to catch up. I’m also glad God looks at me in love and lets me start all over.

Maybe that’s what today is all about. I need to remember I’m human. I don’t always get it right. I don’t have to be harder on myself than God.

I hope this post encouraged some of you today.

God bless and have a good day.