Tag: sadness

Rambo 2017

“Rambo” (our kitten”) almost didn’t make it.

I didn’t post this morning and you will certainly understand why when I tell you what’s been going on.

As you know, we rescued a feral kitty about four months ago. We are not cat-loving people so you can imagine our surprise to find ourselves loving this little guy. He showed up in the woods at our cabin just when I needed him. Having cared for my mom for a number of years and then experiencing that void, it was like God sent him to us. He wasn’t even a month old when we heard his first pathetic little meow. You can read the story here.

Anyway, we had him neutered last Thursday. He was fine for a couple of days. Then we noticed he wasn’t eating very much and finally by Monday, he wasn’t eating at all. We took him to the vet Monday. He didn’t have a temp. The vet had no clue but he gave him a combined shot of b-12 and penicillin. He didn’t get any better. This morning we thought we were losing him. His little midsection was so skinny. Weight loss in a kitten is very serious.

Rambo 2017

So back to the vet. He was dehydrated but still no temp. The vet examined him thoroughly and could find nothing unusual.. But he gave him an IV to hydrate him and then a shot of a long-lasting antibiotic.

Basically, we were told to take him home and hope for the best. He said he could do all kinds of tests and take all kinds of blood but that’s a long road to go when he didn’t have a clue. Would be like looking for a needle in a haystack.

So we brought him home. We’ve been in tears on and off since Monday. This morning was the worst. Mostly because much of what the vet said was what I was told when my mom was dying.

It was really hard.

But we are hopeful tonight.

We came home and in about two hours he had eaten a little. A few hours after that, he started playing. He’s not out of the woods yet. We will have blood work drawn in about two weeks as there is a possibility of feline leukemia. We learned there are two types; one is fatal but the other he can live with a long time.

So for this Christmas, we are just going to enjoy him. He’s our little “Christmas miracle.”

Rambo 2017

Hope your day was good and God bless.

ps. Something interesting. Giving a sick cat some honey is a really good idea. Just smear some on your finger and let him lick it. Or you can rub it inside the sides of his mouth. Pure maple syrup is also recommended. Honey is loaded with antibiotics and is vet-approved.

mom Christmas 2016

The first Christmas without your loved one

These next couple of weeks are going to be very hard for a number of people, those who have lost a loved one this past year.

I am one of them.

At least with my mom, I expected it. She was ill and in her nineties. But even with all that, this Christmas will be kind of “hollow” if you know what I mean.

There’s an echo where there used to be a voice.

There’s a spirit where there used to be a presence.

There’s one less person at the table.

There’s one less person to buy a gift for.

Loss is hard and especially at Christmas. I think of all those who lost family and friends due to violence, drunk drivers, natural disasters, etc.; that’s even harder. I hold them up in prayer.

Later this week I will be posting about my cookie baking over this past weekend. Last year at this same weekend, I was frosting Christmas cookies with my mom.

Can you believe this is a ninety-two-year-old woman? She was something else.

mom Christmas 2016

(I still have the tablecloth.)

When we were baking this past weekend, I found a plastic container to store some cookies. The lid is written all over with notes about what was once in the container. I hand-washed the lid, told hubby to do the same. I have very little in my mom’s handwriting so I’m hanging on to this. I kept her recipes as well for that reason.

Christmas container 2017

One less person to frost cookies with and to laugh about what a bad job she did. She laughed the hardest.

“Hey, mom, I know you hated decorating cookies, but you did it every year because I asked you, too. Thank you.”

The snow is blowing hard today as we are under a winter storm warning. I would be calling her today and we’d be talking about this terrible weather and how glad we both were that we didn’t have to go out.

One less person to talk to about the weather.

But I have more as well. I have people I love and who love me. I have the assurance that I will see my mom again someday. I know she is in God’s arms and is totally at peace. I wouldn’t take that away from her. Not for a minute.

I have the more of God’s grace that we can’t imagine until we need it. I have the more of God’s presence. I feel God’s love more.

 When there is the less, God always provides the more. In ways we couldn’t imagine. He has for me.

It’s just a hard day. Hope I didn’t bring you down. This wasn’t going to be the post for today but all of a sudden, there it was. Hopefully, someone is helped by these words.

God bless and have a wonderful day with the people you love.

 

 

teeny tiny red cabin

Why you sometimes feel guilty about feeling good

Have you ever been there?

I mean feeling guilty about feeling good?

I’m kind of there now. My mom hasn’t even been gone a month and I have had some moments of well-being and peace this last week. I feel kind of guilty about it.

We were at “teeny tiny red cabin” over the weekend and I had a couple of hours when I truly enjoyed what I was doing. I planted some ground cover I had brought from home.

 

(The title of the blogs that appears in the lower right-hand corner was the name of my former blog.)

I started to strip our little deck of too many summers of neglect.

As you can see, I didn’t get it all done. But isn’t it going to look great when I am?

 

I scrubbed the little patch of kitchen linoleum with an eraser pad ( I love, love, love these things) I can’t believe I hadn’t cleaned the floor this way before. Here is a “before” and an “after”. Nice, huh?

Before

After

Hope you can see the difference. Kind of hard to tell from these pictures.

cabin floor after

I planted some plants I brought from home.

teeny tiny red cabin

 

Then I went over to the bunk house for my devotions here on my adorable porch at my adorable bunkhouse and promptly started crying.

We found this wonderful rattan loveseat at Goodwill plus two chairs. They had just brought them out of the backroom when I spotted them. Sixty dollars for all three pieces in mint condition. For a while, I only used the chairs inside dreaming the sofa would fit on the porch.

My husband insisted it would so we brought it back from where we had it stored in our shed back home, and sure enough, it fits perfectly. Since these pictures, I’ve brought the back cushions home to sew new covers, black and white check.

bunkhouse porch

We had talked about building it for a couple of years but I just couldn’t commit to spending the money. It’s kind of like my personal retreat. I relax more here than anywhere.

That same year, my mom decided she wanted to give her grandchildren a gift of money.  She asked me what I thought and I told her that was very sweet and if she wanted to, she should.

But I didn’t know she was going to include me as well. That gift gave us the impetus to get the ball rolling on the bunkhouse. With our money added to hers we started clearing the land and now I have my precious little house.

But just thinking of her generosity started the tears a flowin’.

She got to see it a few times but she could never understand why I liked it so much. I asked her to come up with a number of times but she never wanted to.

“What’s there to do?”, she would ask.

I’d reply, “Read, walk, and relax.”

But she was OK with how much I loved it. I would call her every day but if she wasn’t wearing her hearing aids, the conversations would be cut short.

I so missed calling and checking in on her this last visit, the first trip since she died.

God bless and have a good day.

 

 

 

 

lemons and lemonade

I was so excited but then……

The Excitement

Remember my post yesterday when I shared about this wonderful watercolor painting I found? It was painted by the artist, Ranulph Bye.

watercolor painting

I decided to check it out online and found out I was right to think this was painted by a professional artist. One whose paintings have some serious value. His paintings started selling at $800.00 to $1,000 dollars. I was so geeked. I had no intention of selling it anyway but I thought it would be so cool if I owned a painting that I paid $3.00 for but was worth a thousand.

The Disappointment

I was looking at it again more closely this morning, drooling over my newest treasure, and noticed a sharp line at the bottom of the page with some numbers. The sharp border probably means it’s only a print. But, of course, sometimes prints, especially first edition prints, can be valuable as well.

Now I’m afraid to take it out of the frame. I’m either going to be disappointed or I’m going to be elated and if I’m elated, (meaning it’s valuable), I will be really nervous that I might damage it in some way. Isn’t that the way it goes?

The Tears

Later that day I started to take out some things from my mom’s house. That was difficult. I almost convinced myself she was just in the hospital. I am selling the house to my brother and so I need to take what I want before it becomes his because once it’s his, I will be handing over the keys. We have already decided on who gets what so it’s not a problem. It’s just hard to do.

I decided to weed my mom’s garden as well. It’s tiny. My brother and I completely redesigned and restored her little garden last spring. She loved what we did and we were both really proud we had done this for her. Of course, I cried while I weeded but that’s OK.

Crying and grieving go hand in hand. At least they should.

Thinking about the picture and what I thought was my new-found treasure helped. Even it might turn out to be otherwise.

Life is kind of like that, isn’t it? It hands us lemons and lemonade all in the same day.

lemons and lemonade

God bless and I hope you have a good day.

 

doubting my ability to cope

doubting my ability to cope tomorrow

I’m sitting here watching my little five-year-old grandson play with his toys.

Everyone is gone but him and me. He’s oblivious to my pain. He’s absorbed in his own world, just like a five-year-old should be. He looks at me and giggles and I smile.

How can I smile the night before I look on my mother’s face one last time?

The funeral is tomorrow. How am I going to do this?

I’ve done really good today, too good maybe. Does that make me uncaring? Am I insulting her?

God promises peace in the worst of times and this is most definitely the worst of times. I’m glad my little guys are here. Maybe looking on their faces will help me keep it together.

I wonder how anyone does this. Says goodbye with such finality.

A dear friend of mine just lost her sister the day before my mother died. We’re both Christian women who know God will sustain us in this loss. But we both agreed we still want them with us.

Such is the selfishness that plagues us all.

And yet it occurs to me, it’s a good thing to feel this pain. Wouldn’t it be awful to lose a mother and feel nothing? I should add my mother loved me with her whole heart. I told her once years ago, that I would never desert her, no matter what and that I would be with her to the end.

I was. To the very end.

 

 

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