I’m in the middle right now.
“In the middle of what?” you ask.
In the middle of a lot of thought.
A few nights ago I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and the words, “It’s time”. invaded my thoughts. I didn’t need to ask, “Time for what”?
But even though it was clear and I was excited, excited that whole day, I found myself getting anxious.
Like Peter, I looked away from Jesus and looked at the waves. The waves, in this case, being doubt and fear. I asked myself, “Really, Lord? At this time in my life?” The timing seemed to be way off until I realized that certain barriers had since been removed and I now had the freedom to finish what God had called me to do long ago but stopped me midstream.
And then, “But God it means completely rearranging my life, my time until the project is done. And the question we all ask when presented with a challenge. “What if I fail?”
I was “too” everything negative I had ever thought about myself.
Have you been there? Is someone telling you-you’re too “whatever”?
“You’re too young. You’re too old. You’re too lazy. You’re too thin. You’re too short. You’re too, ——“(-fill in the blank). I think we’ve all been there.
I wrote a few months ago, that when I was about eighteen, a friend of mine and a former beauty contestant winner, took me under her wings and gave me a total “make-over”. She taught me how to wear make-up, how to dress, how to talk, walk. All of it.
She insisted I compete in the local beauty pageant, here. (I feel embarrassed writing this because I worry what you might think but this example is so perfect for the point I am trying to make. Besides, it happened and it’s part of my history.) When I told my mom there was a mother/daughter tea, she told me I shouldn’t compete because that was for those “other” young woman. She wouldn’t go with me.
She didn’t criticize my looks, talent, or anything like that. She said people “like us” (you know, people from the proverbial other side of the track) didn’t enter beauty pageants. In this case, I felt “less than”, which is the natural outcome if you are told you are “too” this or that.
I realize now that my mother just didn’t want me to be hurt. She couldn’t imagine doing what I was thinking of doing. Her reservations had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her and her own insecurities. I so wish she had pursued her own dreams. She was smart, funny, stubborn, and very attractive. She could have done anything.
So today, I found myself doubting. “Did God really say that?”. I went right back to the insecure person I am when I start to doubt myself, or worse, doubt God. I found anxiety rearing its ugly head. I have learned that I cannot give anxiety any space in my emotions. If I do, depression will follow. I have to cut off that head.
That’s exactly what I did. Here’s how:
. I reminded myself that I know I “heard” what I heard. I know my Savior’s voice.
….I put one foot in front of the other. I took a forty-minute walk in the cold.
….I kept remembering Scripture, the stories, the people, the miracles, the promises.
….I went to Goodwill and found some great things.
….I went to Hobby Lobby and found a cotton ball wreath on clearance for 75% off!
…I visited a best friend and we hashed over decorating ideas.
…I visited another best friend and we hashed over DIY ideas.
….I came home and gave my husband a hug.
That’s what I did. Here is what I’m going to do.
….I WILL but one foot in front of the other.
….I WILL continue to pray.
….I WILL continue to trust.
….I WILL gather information.
….I WILL gather resources.
….I WILL do the thing!!!!
I will be submitting a series of posts in a few weeks about decision-making, I am following my own advice.
In fact, I think God has been leading me in this direction for a few weeks now. That still small voice in the middle of the night was the exclamation point to a series of events. You might remember them, the need to track my time, habits. I checked out how to Bujo (That’s what we cool girls call Bullet Journaling. You can read that post here.).
I’ve been reading Atomic Habits which has been the perfect companion. I was feeling a great urge to get things in order for some reason, to set up a schedule. Now, I know why.
I’m not sharing today what this is all about. There is a good reason.
I read in “My Utmost For His Highest” many years ago that when God gives a vision, don’t put it out there for public purview too soon. Sometimes when God speaks to us we need to incubate it for a while. When we make something public too soon we open ourselves up to discouragement. It’s true for many creative pursuits.
When we obey God, we can leave the results up to Him. That’s exactly what I’m doing. He can do with this project whatever He chooses. Personally, I’m glad it’s that way. Takes a huge burden off my shoulders.
I hope this post rang a responding bell with you.
(By the way, I’m going to reread my affirmations here every time I need an “You go, girl”.)
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